it was always you
by Kelsey Goode
Summary: /it was always her. it was always for her. and he knew he couldn't have her./ they've always been push and pull, but at the end of the day, they push their way to each other, and pull each other closer. because they only have each other/ post OGSY /


-push.

He pushed her. All the time. Everyone could see it.

Whether in P & E, way past curfew, urging her to continue, telling her she was never going to be strong enough to defeat the Circle of Cavan if she didn't push herself.

And the fact that he was constantly pushing her mental bounds.

"Really, Gallagher Girl?" Constantly making her think, and wonder, and question everything, and every angle.

She hated him for it, but at the same time it intrigued her.

It pushed her towards him.

-pull.

The pull between the two of them was magnetic. Wherever she went, he followed.

Whenever he left, she sat wondering, waiting, needing him to return to her.

Whether she would admit it to herself or not.

"He'll come back." Macey McHenry told her friend.

She just shrugged. "They don't always come back."

Macey looked at her friend, wondering how that boy could have done this to her best friend.

-piece.

Whether he or she wanted to admit it or not, they now held a piece of each other.

The feelings of worry, protectiveness, and... want.

Want to always be together, to share secrets, and touch.

Neither of them would admit it to themselves—never the less each other.

"What are you doing here?"

"...I'm not sure. I just... had to see you. To make sure you were okay."

"Well here I am. I'm fine, Zach. I'm always fine."

"No you're not. But you will be."

-pain.

The pain she felt when he pulled away.

It was traumatic, really.

Heartbreaking, earth-shattering, mind-blowing, scream-worthy, migrane inducing, pure un-adulterated pain.

It was all she could feel when he strayed.

"I'm not all that good, Gallagher Girl. But I'm not all that bad, either."

"Why?"

"I'm not safe."

"Neither am I."

"You can't leave me."

"Trust me. You want me to leave."

"No."

"Gallagher Girl—"

"It's Cammie. And if you're leaving, I'm going with you."

"Like how you took me with you last time? I don't think so, Gallagher Girl... Goodbye."

-press.

The press of his lips to her forehead.

He did it everytime he left her. Which was way too often for her liking.

"I'll be back."

Kiss.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

-promises.

The thing about promises is that they're too easily broken.

"You lied."

"I did what I had to in order to ensure your safety."

"Bullshit."

"What did you want me to do?"

"Stay with me? Hold me? Whisper to me that everything was going to be okay? Well you know what I realized Zach—I'm a Gallagher Girl. I don't need you. I never did."

-phony.

"You're a phony, a hypocrite, really." Rebecca Baxter said to her best friend.

"No. Its better this way. You really shouldn't be near me either, Bex."

"Screw that. You may be able to fool Goode, because he's hopelessly in love with you like a damn puppy dog, but I'm immune to your powers."

"So am I."

"Same."

"He doesn't love me."

She didn't notice the glances her best friends exchanged around her.

A civilian could have figured this one out.

-perfect.

She'd always been the perfect pavement artist. There was that one time with Josh, and the other with Zach (okay, more than once with Zach), but she was the best.

She honestly was. Without a doubt. Seriously, ask anyone.

"You found me."

"You thought you could hide?"

"Why are you here?"

"Don't I always find you? Isn't that our little game?"

"This isn't a game, Zach. I hate games."

"Oh, I know."

"Then why are you here?"

"You know why."

And the truth was, she finally did.

-par.

So they're relationship wasn't exactly par.

They had their secrets, and their problems.

He was stubborn and so was she. He would sacrifice everything for her. She wouldn't let him.

He loved her.

She loved him.

Not that they would admit it.

They wouldn't even admit out loud that they were together—because they weren't. But they were.

-prison.

She was in prison. The Circle had caught her. After three years of running with the leader's son, they had caught her, and taken him into custody.

To erase his memory of her, she supposed.

She sighed. He would forget that he loved her, every moment—the kisses, the hugs, the well... good times.

-pathetic.

She sat on the floor rather pathetically. Without him she had nothing.

The door opened.

"Zach," She gasped, seeing the man in front of her.

"I could never forget you," he whispered. "How could you think that?"

"I love you." She blurted without thinking. "Don't leave me."

"Never." He agreed.

-plan.

The plan to get back to Gallagher was simple enough. So Cammie followed without question. Zach usually took over anyways. He liked being in charge, wearing the pants, being on top, whatever. Cammie didn't mind too much, unless she did. And we she did, well, she was great a being a pain in the ass.

Zach Goode knew this well.

"Where are we going now?"

"Gallagher."

"I know that. Where are we stopping along the way, Zach?"

"A place."

She huffed and sat back in her seat. "You're a pain in the ass." He just smiled.

-platonic.

They tried to keep things platonic. They really did.

The two teenagers knew that this was the spy world right now, not teenager hormone time. This was serious. They were on the run, and they had to concentrate and stay focus.

"Why were you in Boston?"

-Silence-

"Why were you in Boston?"

"Why did you date a civilian?"

"Why do you care?"

-Silence-

-physical.

When the whole 'platonic' thing didn't work out they ended up in that motel room on the side of the highway that no one notices or remembers. Of course they stopped there to get some rest, but then a moment happened, and well—beneath it all they were two teenagers.

In a situation that most teenagers aren't in. And although they wouldn't admit it, they kind of, sort of, maybe, _possibly_, liked each other a lot. Like, more than they should've.

After all, his mother was trying to kidnap her.

So they ended up in that bed in the motel room together.

Naked.

-pressure.

There was a lot of pressure, that's for sure.

Pressure from him to be a better spy than ever before. Pressure to do the right thing. Pressure to escape the Circle. Pressure to figure out why the Circle wanted her. Pressure to figure out what Zach wanted with her.

Pressure. Pressure. Pressure.

-period.

Thanks to the pressure she missed her period.

Not because she slept with Zach a week ago.

No. Not because of that.

-place.

She couldn't place when she first fell in love with him. Maybe it was those tiny moments when he let her in. Maybe it was when he sacrificed himself and Solomon in the Tombs, and when she jumped off the cliff feeling hopeless.

She realized later that he had never said he loved her back. She had told him.

So she cried.

-paint.

The images in her mind were like paint. They stuck there forever. Her friends, her Mom, her Dad, her Aunt, Mr. Solomon, her sisters. Josh. DeeDee. Zach's Mom.

Zach.

She couldn't go to sleep when he pretended they never touched each other, never shared those intimate moments.

She couldn't let him see her cry.

But most of all she couldn't let him see how worried she really was that she missed her monthly present from mother nature.

She never wanted to have that pain so much in her life. She hoped it was just the stress and pressure.

-picture.

The sunset was a beautiful picture. It made her forget, and it made her feel serene for a moment. It was those moments that she lived for now.

That and her need for answers.

-poison.

His attitude was poisonous. She was like poison to him. Toxic. He shouldn't want her—but he did. But he also had a job to do. Although his personal feeling for her were the whole reason behind his job—as he protected her because he loved her, he couldn't let himself be with her.

He did that one time and now they were both a mess.

All he did was ruin things. Sometimes he wished he died in the Tombs.

-permanent.

The blank expression was permanent on his face. Except when he slept.

So that's when Cammie watched him. It reminded her that he wasn't a robot, and deep down he did have feelings.

Possibly for her.

"What are you doing?" He murmured, eyes still closed.

Embarrassed she shimmed back from him (they were sharing a bed—no sex this time) and murmured, "Nothing, sorry. Go back to sleep."

"What wrong?" He opened up an eye.

"Nothing. Nothing." To prove it, she closed her eyes and slowed her breathing, trying to sleep.

But neither of them fell back asleep.

They worried about one another.

-pretend.

All he could do was pretend he didn't love her. It was the only way to protect her.

At least that's what he thought. If he had told her, she would have voiced otherwise.

That's why he didn't tell her.

-pregnant.

Cammie let out a huge sigh of relief when she read that little stick in the pharmacy bathroom. She had evaded Zach long enough to buy one and sneak into the bathroom.

She wasn't pregnant.

And then the wave hit her and she started crying.

What was wrong with her?

She was eighteen, on the run, and the guy she was in love with probably didn't love her back.

Why in the world was she upset that she wasn't pregnant with his kid?

-possibilities.

They rode the last leg to Gallagher in silence. He didn't know what had caused the sudden change in her, but he was intensely worried.

More than usual.

He wondered if there was ever a possibility for them to ever get together. To ever have a relationship.

To ever take down the Circle and free her of this burden that she didn't deserve.

He hoped he could stop the Circle.

Then he was disappear, so Cameron Morgan could have as normal of a life as possible.

No Circle. No Zachary Goode.

No drama.

-parent.

Neither of them had a father. His mother was a lunatic, but hers was a good woman. He knew that.

He knew that she would take care of his Cammie.

He knew it was safe to leave for now. Leave her.

But still watch over her—from a safe distance.

-protect.

His only goal was to protect her. If she was gone, he had no reason left to live.

It was a simple as that.

-purpose.

His soul purpose—everything he ever did was for her. Before he even met her in DC, when he was against the Circle, it was for her.

It was always her. It was always for her.

And he knew he couldn't have her.

-propose.

He dreamed of proposing to her. He dreamed of marrying her and having a little girl who would run to him as he walked in the door yelling, "Daddy!" and being able to scoop her up in his arms and kiss his beautiful wife.

Too bad Zach Goode wasn't destined for anything he dreamed.

All he could do was dream, and watch her from a distance. He hoped she thought of him, maybe even dreamed of him.

But watching her, protecting her, well, that was good enough for him right now.


End file.
